Can Divorce be Avoided?

Divorce is becoming more common place today. The effects of divorce can be good and bad. I am not familiar with divorce in my own immediate family. I want to help encourage couples to work on their relationship. I realize that not everyone has healthy relationships. I feel that divorce should be the very last resort after all has been done.

I have both parents and my view of their relationship is one of admiration. They have taught me to love, because of their love for one another and for our family. They have also helped me realize that neither of them are perfect in their relationship, and that they have to work together. Instead of running away from their problems and financial difficulties, they decided to support one another and work things out. After 37 years of marriage they still love each other and still work on their marriage. They have been a great example to me. When I hear of other people and that divorce has happened in their family, I hurt for them. I have come to learn more that divorce is sad, it causes hurt feelings, broken relationships, heartache, fights, loss, anger, confusion, and much more.

We discussed in class the topic of divorce. Some one shared a quote about divorce, and I don't remember were it came from. It was this "separation is practiced divorce." It was said that practicing separation makes it easier to get divorced because you are not working on the problem. Instead you are avoiding the problem and are also getting use to the idea of not being with your spouse.

In my textbook it covers the process that leads to divorce. The process of uncoupling includes four stages: Recognition, Discussion, Action, and Postdissolultion.
Recognition: It starts when one or both in the recognize that there are problems in the relationship. This brings up feelings of dissatisfaction, and this can happen when there is stress and conflict in the marriage. It lists three of the most frequent problems and they are: controlling behavior, lack of responsibility, and lack of emotional support. When a spouse is demonstrating controlling behavior is when they make decisions without the consent of the other. A lack of responsibility can be spending to much time with friends, not helping with the children and leaving them unattended, and frivolous spending outside budget. Last is lack of emotional support in your marriage. This one I believe is the worst offender. It is lack of concern for your spouse's feelings during stressful and hard times; like pregnancy or death of a family member.
Discussion: the period when you share your marriage problems with family and friends instead of talking to your spouse. You create an emotional attachment to someone else because you are talking about sensitive topics and they are listening and validating your feelings.
Action: Is secure a lawyer to dissolve the marriage. In this period they are already planning their separation and no longer depend on each other. This can be a long process as they handle details of their divorce.
Postdissolution: This is the point were both spouses acknowledge the divorce and that their marriage has ended.
These stages lead to divorce and the problems are some of the big issues. Some other problems can include communication problems, constant conflict, alcohol or other drugs, incompatibility, infidelity, financial problems, emotional or physical abuse, falling out of love or growing apart, selfishness, and more. It is important to avoid these behaviors in your marriage to help safe guard it. (Lauer and Lauer. Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy. "Separation and Divorce" 8th Edition, Ch.14 pgs 313-315.)

How to strengthen your marriage?
Marriage isn't a walk in the park. It is hard and has to be continually nurtured. There will be ups and downs, but that is what can help strengthen a marriage. They are opportunities where the couple can work together and learn from their experiences. They can find joy working together towards a goal and overcoming hardships. A statement from the church leaders -
"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.("The Family A Proclamation to the World " -given by the first presidency and quorum of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)
Make it a point to spend time with one another, communication is key, have love,  be patience with one another, forgive, neither of your are perfect, and be selfless by showing concern and serving. Say "I love you" more, be each other's best friends, don't be critical and compliment them. These can help you nurture the relationship with your spouse and protect it. 

Some of the "HOW'S" to Dating

I am definitely not a pro when it comes to dating. This week's topic pique my interest, because I am still in the single phase that seems never-ending at times. Today dating has changed to hanging out. Hanging out should not replace the dating process. Hanging out is a good way to meet a lot people, and become acquaintances. It is not always beneficial when you are trying to date another person. In group hangouts there is no obligation to anyone, and it can feel like you are competing with others in the group to catch the attention of the person you like.  

Some Hows: What is a date? A date is planned, paid for, and paired off. Either the man or the woman can do these things. It is also good to involve the other in the planning. The best dates are the ones where you can get to know the other, and have fun. A movie is probably not a good choice, because you don't get to interact with each other. Some good examples would be teaching the other how to play a sport, making a meal together, or picking out a funny outfit for each other to wear on your date.    A good plan to incorporate into your dating success would be the three T's from Van Epp. They are called the "Know Quo." They include Talk, Togetherness, Time, and this equals "Knowing." Talk is good to get to know the other person and have mutual self disclosure. Togetherness is involving yourselves in a wide range of activities. This provides you and opportunity to get to know one another in different settings. Time is important also. It is hard to get to know someone in a short time. It is beneficial to both of you if you date for a longer amount of time. It allows you to get to know one another better before you move on to the next step, marriage? :)

These are just some ideas that I found interesting and informational for others. They are simple but profound when dating. They can help you make the most out of dating.

Society's Ideas on Fertility Rates

The international average for fertility rates is 2.13, and every nation is beneath this average. The U.S. is close with a 2.09 average. This average is given regarding the amount needed to replace the older generation. Is this number surprising to anyone else? That means we have families with one child and maybe a second one.

I have felt for a time that society has painted a picture of fashion, glamour, travel, money among other things above the family. That the family is good, but if you do certain things like having too many kids that you lose your freedom to live your life. It has become a self serving, look at me society. This to me is sad. 

In our current time, the old out number the rising generation. This trend of having less children is creating and imbalance in our society. This equals to less production of new jobs, and a decline in natural resources. Less is not more in this situation.

Family as a whole is beneficial for an individual, for the whole family unit, and society. There is lots to learn. In your family you learn critical lessons that set the stage for the rest of your life. The lessons that are taught in the family are taken into society by the children. These morals are what make up our society and guide us. Family benefits our society by improving productions and creates jobs. There are many more reasons why having family is a good thing. Having family is what helps improve the quality of our society, and children are apart of this family.

Understanding Same Gender Attraction

This subject is one that is heavily discussed in today's society. There are many that struggle with unwanted attraction to the same gender. I haven't always understood the struggles they go through. However, after discussing it in class and studying the matter on my own, I now have a better understanding regarding same sex attraction. My thoughts are ones of love and compassion.

It can start with just a small misunderstanding. An example could be a little boy wanting to get his nails painted with his sisters. Others outside of the boy's family might think he must be gay or that he may have those tendencies because he likes his nails painted. In this instance he is categorized as gay and people start treating him as such. The boy then starts to think that he is gay. When really this little boy just wanted to be accepted and included. This is just a simple example of misinterpreting the boys motives.

There have been many studies on how individuals change their orientation. It is said that some of the causes are not feeling accepted by the same sex; which leads them to seek approval from the same sex, sexual abuse, pornography, being detached from the parent of their same gender, not being satisfied in heterosexual relationships, bullying, teasing, and not fitting societies's norm for their specified gender. This causes the individual to suffer from low self esteem, depression, detachment, drug abuse, and suicidal tendencies. These are not all, but some of the determined causes.

Many with this difficult struggle don't understand what is wrong with them, and blame themselves. In the end it is the individual that has control over his or her actions in pursuing homosexual relations. Many have found that after living this type of life are not happy and feel empty inside. They seek to overcome this behavior that they have.

With my new awareness, I feel more love for those that have same gender attraction. I don't know what they have gone through, and what has led them to this point. I personally don't agree with individuals having homosexual relations, but that doesn't mean that I do not care for them and love them. I do care and will always be a friend. Also, I do know that there is help for those that want to overcome same sex orientation. Help can be found in religious leaders, counselors in the appropriate field, including family and friends.

This is the link to a video that helps "understanding same sex attraction"
https://youtu.be/jJhyzqdzpnM

About Me

Hi, My name is Emmy. I was born and raised in Idaho. I am a full time college student at Brigham Young University of Idaho. I am from a big family. I am number six of ten kids. I love them to death! They are crazy, loud, fun, and they are mine. My family has always been important to me. I want others to develop healthy family relationships too. For this reason I have chosen to pursue a career in Marriage and Family Therapy. My intent for this blog is to share my thoughts, and learnings on the way. Please feel free to comment on my posts.