Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Can Divorce be Avoided?

Divorce is becoming more common place today. The effects of divorce can be good and bad. I am not familiar with divorce in my own immediate family. I want to help encourage couples to work on their relationship. I realize that not everyone has healthy relationships. I feel that divorce should be the very last resort after all has been done.

I have both parents and my view of their relationship is one of admiration. They have taught me to love, because of their love for one another and for our family. They have also helped me realize that neither of them are perfect in their relationship, and that they have to work together. Instead of running away from their problems and financial difficulties, they decided to support one another and work things out. After 37 years of marriage they still love each other and still work on their marriage. They have been a great example to me. When I hear of other people and that divorce has happened in their family, I hurt for them. I have come to learn more that divorce is sad, it causes hurt feelings, broken relationships, heartache, fights, loss, anger, confusion, and much more.

We discussed in class the topic of divorce. Some one shared a quote about divorce, and I don't remember were it came from. It was this "separation is practiced divorce." It was said that practicing separation makes it easier to get divorced because you are not working on the problem. Instead you are avoiding the problem and are also getting use to the idea of not being with your spouse.

In my textbook it covers the process that leads to divorce. The process of uncoupling includes four stages: Recognition, Discussion, Action, and Postdissolultion.
Recognition: It starts when one or both in the recognize that there are problems in the relationship. This brings up feelings of dissatisfaction, and this can happen when there is stress and conflict in the marriage. It lists three of the most frequent problems and they are: controlling behavior, lack of responsibility, and lack of emotional support. When a spouse is demonstrating controlling behavior is when they make decisions without the consent of the other. A lack of responsibility can be spending to much time with friends, not helping with the children and leaving them unattended, and frivolous spending outside budget. Last is lack of emotional support in your marriage. This one I believe is the worst offender. It is lack of concern for your spouse's feelings during stressful and hard times; like pregnancy or death of a family member.
Discussion: the period when you share your marriage problems with family and friends instead of talking to your spouse. You create an emotional attachment to someone else because you are talking about sensitive topics and they are listening and validating your feelings.
Action: Is secure a lawyer to dissolve the marriage. In this period they are already planning their separation and no longer depend on each other. This can be a long process as they handle details of their divorce.
Postdissolution: This is the point were both spouses acknowledge the divorce and that their marriage has ended.
These stages lead to divorce and the problems are some of the big issues. Some other problems can include communication problems, constant conflict, alcohol or other drugs, incompatibility, infidelity, financial problems, emotional or physical abuse, falling out of love or growing apart, selfishness, and more. It is important to avoid these behaviors in your marriage to help safe guard it. (Lauer and Lauer. Marriage and Family: The Quest for Intimacy. "Separation and Divorce" 8th Edition, Ch.14 pgs 313-315.)

How to strengthen your marriage?
Marriage isn't a walk in the park. It is hard and has to be continually nurtured. There will be ups and downs, but that is what can help strengthen a marriage. They are opportunities where the couple can work together and learn from their experiences. They can find joy working together towards a goal and overcoming hardships. A statement from the church leaders -
"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.("The Family A Proclamation to the World " -given by the first presidency and quorum of the twelve apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.)
Make it a point to spend time with one another, communication is key, have love,  be patience with one another, forgive, neither of your are perfect, and be selfless by showing concern and serving. Say "I love you" more, be each other's best friends, don't be critical and compliment them. These can help you nurture the relationship with your spouse and protect it. 

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